At 4:44 am, I am in complete peace to talk about love.
When my world came tumbling down in 1999, worse than being abandoned by my associates and losing my business was the notion that God had forsaken me.
The bipolar was just an outcome of my real struggle to reconcile my inner chaos with the external collapse of my world.
The truth is, I was heartbroken. I thought God didn't love me anymore. At that point, I had done my very best. Everything I did was for God.
Those who have fallen out of love know how painful and bitter it is. Now imagine your heart is broken by a by the very god you worship and adore the most.
This was even more painful than when I broke up with my first love. All the while when I took the lifestyle of a Sufi, I thought I had found True Love. I thought there was no greater love than I had Goford. So much so that I pledged to be the Creator's Most Loyal Soldier on the last day of Ramadan 1999 after I committed my repentance prayer.
Unexpectedly right after that, I was afflicted with Bipolar Affective Disorder. It was a major blow. Overnight I lost everything to this illness; my business, my associates, my so-called close friends, and not to mention my sanity.
After that, I swore not to love again. I went on and committed actions which were sacrilegious thinking that my soul was beyond redemption. This was the darkest side of my life. So dark, I am sure I will go to the pit of Hell when I die.
It went on for several years until 2012 when I decided to be an atheist. I was heavily influenced by the writing of contemporary atheists like Richard Dawkins and Jerry Coyne. That didn't last very long. I feel hollow. So this is it? My existence will be reduced to a mere worm feed? I was not satisfied. I went through the arguments of deists, pantheists, polytheists, agnostics, autotheists, and even the members of the Church of Satan.
Finally, I concluded that I cannot be an atheist because I am a Believer. So I take it as it is while at the same time subscribing to the doctrine of pantheism, which makes sense to me considering that all matters are intelligent and all matters are gods.
Somewhere during this time, I developed this hypothesis:
"We are ONE and we are MANY. God is within us and we are within God. It is like peeling a[s] (an) onion, at every level there is God. All matters are intelligent and all matters are gods."
Then much later I came up with this observation:
"It is indeed a strange illusion to suppose that the apple is different from the tree,":
In the orchard of life, we seek to find
The fruit that we believe to be our own kind
But in the branches and the leaves we see
The roots that bind us to our family tree
The apple, in its form so round and sweet
Is but a gift from the tree's own heartbeat
It draws its life from the same source
And in that union, finds its true course
And so it is with you and me
Bound by a lineage that we cannot see
For in our flesh and in our bone
Lies the essence of all that we've known
The tree and apple, they are one
A mystery that cannot be undone
So let us shed this strange illusion
And embrace the truth of our inclusion
For in the roots and branches of our being
Lies the magic of our eternal seeing
And in that unity we find
together in this cosmic mind
After I broke up with my first love, I wasn't fully recovered. I never truly give my heart away, even when I marry Lizzie.
Then in 2016, I met Sarah. It changes everything. For the first time, I experienced True Love. It is unconditional love. With this feeling comes the feeling of Unsurpassed certainty.
So here I am in my golden years do I know what it means to fall in love. It's like an ever-flowing fountain of water. True love cannot be divided like you cannot divide a bowl full of water. As a result, when I married Sarah in 2017, the day known as Forgiveness Friday, I forgave everybody's past, present, and future sins.
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